amazing tricks to astonish and delight....
Oct. 1st, 2003 01:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bluelovesorangeSeems to me that LJ has been very bleak lately. What with just general crunch time occurring in everyone's lives and so on. So I thought we could all do with a bit of cheering up.
I typed this up from the "Circle" CD/show by the Man, Eddie Izzard.
There's bound to be one or two mistakes, when I just couldn't figure out what Eddie was saying, and it's several shades removed from actually hearing him perform it - but hopefully it'll make one or two of you laugh.
Eddie Izzard - "Death Star Canteen"
So, uh, one thing about the Death Star - there was no food. No one had food at all. No food at all. No one - no one said hey, darth vader, uh, emperor - just stepping down to Alpha Beta nine - what you want, couple of sarnies? um, chicken, ham, ham, chicken, egg, what? coke, diet coke, whatyouwant? What you want?
You weird bleeders… (intelligible)
But there must have been a death star canteen, yeah?
There must have been a cafeteria down...stairs in between battles where Darth Vader could just chill and go down…
DARTH VADER: I WILL HAVE THE PENNE (ALBERTA)
Canteen Worker: You'll need a tray...
DARTH VADER: DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
Canteen Worker: Do you know who I am?
DARTH VADER: THIS IS NOT A GAME OF WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, for I am…Vader. Darth Vader. Lord Vader. I CAN KILL YOU WITH A SINGLE THOUGHT.
Canteen Worker: Well you'll still need a tray.
DARTH VADER: NO I WILL NOT NEED A TRAY, I DO NOT NEED A TRAY TO KILL YOU, I CAN KILL YOU WITHOUT. A. TRAY, with the power of the force for which is strong within me even though I could kill you with a tray if I SO WISHED, for I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen flo--
Canteen Worker: no, the food is hot, you'll need a tray to put the food on
DARTH VADER: OH, I SEE THE FOOD IS HOT, I'M SORRY, I DID NOT REALIZE. HA HA…ah ha
OH, A TRAY FOR…YES, I THOUGHT YOU WERE CHALLENGING ME TO A FIGHT TO THE DEATH.
Canteen Worker: fight to the death? Ah, This is canteen, I work here.
DARTH VADER: YES, BUT I AM VADER. I AM LORD VADER? EVERYONE CHALLENGES ME TO A FIGHT TO THE DEATH. LORD DARTH VADER, I'M DARTH VADER, LORD DARTH VADER? SIR LORD VADER? SIR LORD DARTH VADER? [LORD SIR DARTH LORD SIR VADER OF CHEEM?] SIR LORD VON BADER VAN? THE DEATH STAR? I RUN THE DEATH STAR?
Canteen Worker: What's the Death Star?
DARTH VADER: THIS IS THE DEATH STAR. YOU'RE IN THE DEATH STAR. I RUN THIS STAR, THIS IS THE STAR, THIS IS THE FUCKING STAR - I RUN IT. I'M YOUR BOSS.
Canteen Worker: You're Mr. Stevens?
DARTH VADER: NO, I'M...WHO IS MR. STEVENS?
Canteen Worker: He's head of catering.
DARTH VADER: I'M NOT HEAD OF CATERING. I AM VADER, I CAN KILL CATERING WITH A THOUGHT -
Canteen Worker: Whaa-t?
DARTH VADER: I CAN KILL YOU ALL, I CAN KILL ME WITH A THOUGHT, JUST FU-I'LL GET A TRAY. FUCK IT.
THIS ONE'S WET.
AND THIS ONE'S WET,
AND THIS ONE'S WET,
THIS ONE IS WET,
THIS ONE IS WET,
THIS ONE IS WET,
THIS ONE IS WET....
(REPEAT ABOUT FIFTY TIMES)
DID YOU DRY THESE IN A RAINFOREST, WHY WITH THE POWER OF THE DEATH STAR, DO WE NOT HAVE A TRAY THAT IS FUCKING DRY?
I DO NOT, NO- NO,NOONOO, I WAS HERE FIRST,
YOU HAVE TO FORM A QUEUE IF YOU WANT FOOD.
Customer: Ooo, can I have a penne (alberta) then? That'd be very nice.
DARTH VADER: NONOOO, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
Canteen Worker: That's Jeff Vader, that is.
DARTH VADER: I'M NOT JEFF VADER, I'M DARTH VADER.
Customer: What, Jeff Vader who runs the Death Star?
DARTH VADER: NO, JEFF, NO - I RUN THE DEATH STAR
CUSTOMER: You Jeff Vader?
DARTH VADER: NO, I'M DARTH VADER
Customer: Are you his brother? Can you get his autograph?
DARTH VADER: I CAN'T GET IT, NO I'M JEFF, ALRIGHT, I'M JEFF VADER. I'M JEFF VADER.
Customer: Can I have your autograph?
DARTH VADER: NO, FUCK OFF. OR I'LL KILL YOU WITH A TRAY! GIVE ME PENNE (ALBERTA), OR YOU SHALL DIE, AND YOU, AND EVERYONE IN THIS CANTEEN...DEATH BY TRAY, IT SHALL BE.
Noise: ooooooooooo.
Canteen Worker: do you want peas with that?
DARTH VADER: PEAS? YOU DON'T HAVE PEAS, YOU CAN'T PUT IT IN RED IN (glurbles), IT DOESN'T WORK WITH PENNE, YOU DON'T PUT, UNLESS YOU PUSH THEM IN THE PENNE TUBES AND THEN IT'D BE WEIRD, JUST...OH ALRIGHT, PUT SOME PEAS IN.
Eddie as himself: That was cut out of the final film.
I typed this up from the "Circle" CD/show by the Man, Eddie Izzard.
There's bound to be one or two mistakes, when I just couldn't figure out what Eddie was saying, and it's several shades removed from actually hearing him perform it - but hopefully it'll make one or two of you laugh.
Eddie Izzard - "Death Star Canteen"
So, uh, one thing about the Death Star - there was no food. No one had food at all. No food at all. No one - no one said hey, darth vader, uh, emperor - just stepping down to Alpha Beta nine - what you want, couple of sarnies? um, chicken, ham, ham, chicken, egg, what? coke, diet coke, whatyouwant? What you want?
You weird bleeders… (intelligible)
But there must have been a death star canteen, yeah?
There must have been a cafeteria down...stairs in between battles where Darth Vader could just chill and go down…
DARTH VADER: I WILL HAVE THE PENNE (ALBERTA)
Canteen Worker: You'll need a tray...
DARTH VADER: DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
Canteen Worker: Do you know who I am?
DARTH VADER: THIS IS NOT A GAME OF WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, for I am…Vader. Darth Vader. Lord Vader. I CAN KILL YOU WITH A SINGLE THOUGHT.
Canteen Worker: Well you'll still need a tray.
DARTH VADER: NO I WILL NOT NEED A TRAY, I DO NOT NEED A TRAY TO KILL YOU, I CAN KILL YOU WITHOUT. A. TRAY, with the power of the force for which is strong within me even though I could kill you with a tray if I SO WISHED, for I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen flo--
Canteen Worker: no, the food is hot, you'll need a tray to put the food on
DARTH VADER: OH, I SEE THE FOOD IS HOT, I'M SORRY, I DID NOT REALIZE. HA HA…ah ha
OH, A TRAY FOR…YES, I THOUGHT YOU WERE CHALLENGING ME TO A FIGHT TO THE DEATH.
Canteen Worker: fight to the death? Ah, This is canteen, I work here.
DARTH VADER: YES, BUT I AM VADER. I AM LORD VADER? EVERYONE CHALLENGES ME TO A FIGHT TO THE DEATH. LORD DARTH VADER, I'M DARTH VADER, LORD DARTH VADER? SIR LORD VADER? SIR LORD DARTH VADER? [LORD SIR DARTH LORD SIR VADER OF CHEEM?] SIR LORD VON BADER VAN? THE DEATH STAR? I RUN THE DEATH STAR?
Canteen Worker: What's the Death Star?
DARTH VADER: THIS IS THE DEATH STAR. YOU'RE IN THE DEATH STAR. I RUN THIS STAR, THIS IS THE STAR, THIS IS THE FUCKING STAR - I RUN IT. I'M YOUR BOSS.
Canteen Worker: You're Mr. Stevens?
DARTH VADER: NO, I'M...WHO IS MR. STEVENS?
Canteen Worker: He's head of catering.
DARTH VADER: I'M NOT HEAD OF CATERING. I AM VADER, I CAN KILL CATERING WITH A THOUGHT -
Canteen Worker: Whaa-t?
DARTH VADER: I CAN KILL YOU ALL, I CAN KILL ME WITH A THOUGHT, JUST FU-I'LL GET A TRAY. FUCK IT.
THIS ONE'S WET.
AND THIS ONE'S WET,
AND THIS ONE'S WET,
THIS ONE IS WET,
THIS ONE IS WET,
THIS ONE IS WET,
THIS ONE IS WET....
(REPEAT ABOUT FIFTY TIMES)
DID YOU DRY THESE IN A RAINFOREST, WHY WITH THE POWER OF THE DEATH STAR, DO WE NOT HAVE A TRAY THAT IS FUCKING DRY?
I DO NOT, NO- NO,NOONOO, I WAS HERE FIRST,
YOU HAVE TO FORM A QUEUE IF YOU WANT FOOD.
Customer: Ooo, can I have a penne (alberta) then? That'd be very nice.
DARTH VADER: NONOOO, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
Canteen Worker: That's Jeff Vader, that is.
DARTH VADER: I'M NOT JEFF VADER, I'M DARTH VADER.
Customer: What, Jeff Vader who runs the Death Star?
DARTH VADER: NO, JEFF, NO - I RUN THE DEATH STAR
CUSTOMER: You Jeff Vader?
DARTH VADER: NO, I'M DARTH VADER
Customer: Are you his brother? Can you get his autograph?
DARTH VADER: I CAN'T GET IT, NO I'M JEFF, ALRIGHT, I'M JEFF VADER. I'M JEFF VADER.
Customer: Can I have your autograph?
DARTH VADER: NO, FUCK OFF. OR I'LL KILL YOU WITH A TRAY! GIVE ME PENNE (ALBERTA), OR YOU SHALL DIE, AND YOU, AND EVERYONE IN THIS CANTEEN...DEATH BY TRAY, IT SHALL BE.
Noise: ooooooooooo.
Canteen Worker: do you want peas with that?
DARTH VADER: PEAS? YOU DON'T HAVE PEAS, YOU CAN'T PUT IT IN RED IN (glurbles), IT DOESN'T WORK WITH PENNE, YOU DON'T PUT, UNLESS YOU PUSH THEM IN THE PENNE TUBES AND THEN IT'D BE WEIRD, JUST...OH ALRIGHT, PUT SOME PEAS IN.
Eddie as himself: That was cut out of the final film.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-10-01 01:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-01 01:50 pm (UTC)"I AM DARTH VADER! I WILL KILL YOU WITH A TRAY!"
I really hope I don't end up saying that in public.
OMG
Date: 2003-10-01 02:09 pm (UTC)Thankfully I'm alone in the office because there are now tears running down my face!
I've not heard Circle yet but will have to run out this-- Okay. *Next* weekend (after payday) and get it!
Btw, I'll call you re: Tom. It's mucho easy peasy to get to our place from your place. One freeway! We'll work it out.
no subject
Date: 2003-10-01 07:05 pm (UTC)Thank you for posting this. I was really not in the best mood before reading. You rock!