I would give you everything I own
Jun. 26th, 2005 11:18 amI've been really unpleasant lately to people who know me - mostly snapping at the family and just getting irritated with the smallest things - have supressed the urge to scream, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE WRONG at several people in the past few days. It feels like my skin's too tight or the weather is getting to me - I would prefer to be cold rather than hot, so just the bustle bustle of shelving books and then walking around my store in the a/c - where sweat freeze dries on your skin eventually, and then going out into the bright baking parking lot to fetch my car...I get cranky. Or maybe it's just because I'm being a moody bitch - which is also fine.
Lots of things are happening in my life, yet I feel like I'm in stasis again - that I'm just moving things around, and not actually doing things. Have been on a strange astrology kick, buying things like my personal horoscope sign book, borrowing the book of birthdays (am apparently born on the day of the 'mold-breakers' and that females of September 3 are exceptionally attractive - clearly have missed the memo on some things.) and just wandering about lost in my head.
I've also been evaluating relationships I have with my friends (not the broken ones, but the ongoing ones, or the ones on hiatus) and wondering at the end of the day if I am really worth all of it - we've all been so busy, but once I have a spare moment of time - I don't pick up the phone or call anyone, I don't drop people lines in their email - I don't send things out...things I've meant to since last month: I just want to sort of crawl into bed and just read a book and have a pint of ice cream and catch up on music (Illinois - Sufjan Stevens, All Maps Welcome - Tom, the Russian Futurists, the Zombies, Stephen Fretwell if you're wondering). I just want to belong to myself for a while, but there are people and things I need to say things/do to, even if it's to end things - and I can't be bothered with any of it. I don't know what's wrong, but I suppose like nearly everything else in life, I have to practice at it to make it come back.
It's the beginning that's the most difficult part, I think.
Lots of things are happening in my life, yet I feel like I'm in stasis again - that I'm just moving things around, and not actually doing things. Have been on a strange astrology kick, buying things like my personal horoscope sign book, borrowing the book of birthdays (am apparently born on the day of the 'mold-breakers' and that females of September 3 are exceptionally attractive - clearly have missed the memo on some things.) and just wandering about lost in my head.
I've also been evaluating relationships I have with my friends (not the broken ones, but the ongoing ones, or the ones on hiatus) and wondering at the end of the day if I am really worth all of it - we've all been so busy, but once I have a spare moment of time - I don't pick up the phone or call anyone, I don't drop people lines in their email - I don't send things out...things I've meant to since last month: I just want to sort of crawl into bed and just read a book and have a pint of ice cream and catch up on music (Illinois - Sufjan Stevens, All Maps Welcome - Tom, the Russian Futurists, the Zombies, Stephen Fretwell if you're wondering). I just want to belong to myself for a while, but there are people and things I need to say things/do to, even if it's to end things - and I can't be bothered with any of it. I don't know what's wrong, but I suppose like nearly everything else in life, I have to practice at it to make it come back.
It's the beginning that's the most difficult part, I think.
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