I would give you everything I own

[bluelovesorange]

I've been really unpleasant lately to people who know me - mostly snapping at the family and just getting irritated with the smallest things - have supressed the urge to scream, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE WRONG at several people in the past few days. It feels like my skin's too tight or the weather is getting to me - I would prefer to be cold rather than hot, so just the bustle bustle of shelving books and then walking around my store in the a/c - where sweat freeze dries on your skin eventually, and then going out into the bright baking parking lot to fetch my car...I get cranky. Or maybe it's just because I'm being a moody bitch - which is also fine.

Lots of things are happening in my life, yet I feel like I'm in stasis again - that I'm just moving things around, and not actually doing things. Have been on a strange astrology kick, buying things like my personal horoscope sign book, borrowing the book of birthdays (am apparently born on the day of the 'mold-breakers' and that females of September 3 are exceptionally attractive - clearly have missed the memo on some things.) and just wandering about lost in my head.

I've also been evaluating relationships I have with my friends (not the broken ones, but the ongoing ones, or the ones on hiatus) and wondering at the end of the day if I am really worth all of it - we've all been so busy, but once I have a spare moment of time - I don't pick up the phone or call anyone, I don't drop people lines in their email - I don't send things out...things I've meant to since last month: I just want to sort of crawl into bed and just read a book and have a pint of ice cream and catch up on music (Illinois - Sufjan Stevens, All Maps Welcome - Tom, the Russian Futurists, the Zombies, Stephen Fretwell if you're wondering). I just want to belong to myself for a while, but there are people and things I need to say things/do to, even if it's to end things - and I can't be bothered with any of it. I don't know what's wrong, but I suppose like nearly everything else in life, I have to practice at it to make it come back.

It's the beginning that's the most difficult part, I think.

Comments

[eowyn797.livejournal.com]

I just want to belong to myself for a while

dude.

do not feel bad about that. sometimes you just need some intensive you-time. sometimes it's helpful to disconnect for a while and catch up on the things you've been meaning to do for you, social or not.

i've wanted to do that pint of ice cream thing for ages now, but there's this other thing i said i'd do for myself where i want to lose the weight i gianed from the last couple of days straight in which i did the giant-slice-of-pie-and-ice-cream thing. meh..anyway. point is, feel ye not so guilty, my childe. or something. everyone will understand.

[callherblondie.livejournal.com]

Cheer up, S, I still like you (and I suspect your other friends do as well, because phone calls/emails/packages are nice, but at the end of the day, that's not what makes a friendship strong). {{{S}}}

And you're listening to The Russian Futurists? Awesome. :)

[antigone921.livejournal.com]

::big hugs::

(and enjoy Illinois -- it's absolutely fantastic)

[amezri.livejournal.com]

am apparently born on the day of the 'mold-breakers' and that females of September 3 are exceptionally attractive - clearly have missed the memo on some things.

Uhm. Me, too.

You are worth all of it. Don't care about the e-mails and the mail - you're around when it matters.

[sprightliness.livejournal.com]

I'm guessing one of those packages is for me, but you shouldn't feel guilty for not sending things to neglectful friends who haven't updated their journal for almost two weeks or properly read their friends list for probably a month or two besides skimming or emailed you themselves or you know, bad people like that. ;) I'm feeling guilty too because I had the weekend off and instead of getting caught up on stuff, like cleaning my room or catching up on my flist or even reading a good book, I instead spent the weekend sleeping and watching movies and being lazy. And while it was a really good and enjoyable weekend, I'm rather mad at myself because it's already Monday and I'm just going to fall further behind this week and continue to stress out and yeah. I'm not a happy camper right now. I've got to just get through two more weeks of this and then I'll have a break and can catch my breath and work on these run on sentences...

You know how much I love you and thus you are worthy of every good thing in the world because I said so and I am in charge of these things. God said so. It's a promotion for all the hard work I've been doing. :)